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I’m not a person who normally buys into conspiracy theories. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the crazy scenarios that people invent to connect otherwise unconnectable events. While I do believe the government keeps us in the dark about a lot of stuff, I’ve never been quite ready to fully believe in things like aliens and anal probes.
For one thing, abducting people one at a time and giving them an anal probe isn’t particularly efficient. This one-off approach really can’t provide enough samples to be statistically significant or provide any useful information on the human population. So, if aliens are probing people, they need a better process.
With all the unbelievable things happening daily, I figured it was time for me to rethink this personal policy of eschewing conspiracy theories. So, I spent some time trying to find a unifying theory that makes sense of at least some of what we’ve been seeing. I think I’ve finally come up with something that works.
Here we go…
Joe Biden obviously has handlers. Anyone can look at him and see that he’s not the one calling the shots. He’s like one of those animatronic presidents at Disney World simply saying what he’s been programmed to say. There’s no intelligence behind his eyes. He’s just a person reading whatever is on the teleprompter. My theory is that what we’re seeing is a form of mind control by an advanced group of aliens.
Now, look at what Biden is doing to immigration. He stopped construction on the border wall and is removing all barriers to entry for the illegal…that’s right…aliens.
But, since they’re hiding in plain sight, the aliens need a little more cover. Calling them aliens, even illegal aliens, is too obvious and might help people see what they really are. So, they made Biden sign an Executive Order commanding everyone not to call them “aliens” but to call them “noncitizens” instead. Because, if we’re not calling them aliens, then we’re less likely to figure out that they really are aliens.
[Quick side note: I can easily imagine a not-to-distant future where we’re all required to call each other “citizen”. Sort of like the way people call each other “comrade” in communist countries.]
Now, at this point, we’ve got a mind-controlled president taking orders from aliens. Our defenses against the aliens have been removed and they’re allowed free reign in and about our country.
All they had left to do is solve the problem of increasing anal probing efficiency.
But the aliens are patient. They’re in it for the long game. And, humans don’t typically volunteer for uncomfortable things. So, the aliens needed a way to pull off a Tom Sawyer-like stunt that would have humans begging to be probed.
The first thing they did was to create a fairly benign disease…let’s call it “COVID-19” that kills just a few people. They didn’t want it to kill everyone because without live subjects, there is no anal probing. So, they made it kill just enough people (most of which were already dying of something else) so that folks would panic. And it worked.
Then, they convinced people that the only way they could be safe from this terrible disease was if everybody got tested. This got millions of people to happily stand in line to give up some snot or saliva. Some people even got tested multiple times to make sure they were extra safe. The tests weren’t really accurate nor were they particularly useful. But the aliens, and governments, kept that little nugget of information to themselves, and governments used the results of these not-so-useful tests to take away the rights of their citizens.
But, not everyone was getting tested so they started tying tests to things like the ability to go to work and even freely travel from place to place. Then, governments told people that if they wanted their rights restored, they needed to be tested. That made testing appear to be really, really important. And even more people wanted to do it.
Then, after they had worked hundreds of millions of people worldwide into a testing frenzy, they started to slowly leak the news that the normal tests (collecting snot or saliva) weren’t good enough. They needed a more accurate way to determine who was “safe”.
I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but earlier this year the Chinese announced that they had developed (or maybe were given) a more accurate way of testing for COVID-19. Instead of a nasal or saliva swab, the new test uses an anal swab.
And, what is an anal swab? That’s right. It’s an anal probe.
If you’re someone who lives in fear of catching and/or spreading COVID-19, wouldn’t you want to have the best and most accurate test possible? Of course you would.
And with that, the aliens created a process for anal probing that is many magnitudes more efficient than what they were doing before. And no one saw it coming.
Like I said, the aliens were playing the long game. They’ve been working on this plan for decades. It took a while, but they managed to get us to a point where they (the aliens) have breached our defenses. And, they smashed a record that had held for 35 years.
The record they broke? That’s easy. Since 1986, only Voyager 2 had ever probed Uranus.
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