June 22, 2022
Pfizer has announced a breakthrough in perpetual COVID-X management.
In a press release earlier today, Pfizer spokesman Gordon Shumway said:
“After nearly a year and a half of continuous treatment, one of the major complaints from consumers has been the severity of the side effects caused by the biannual booster shots. Their main issue is that each time we introduced a new booster into the market, the side effects lasted slightly longer and were slightly more severe. The company recognized this as a unique opportunity to reaffirm Pfizer as the leader in the prevention of mass-hysteria diseases.”
Pfizer says it has developed a revolutionary technological breakthrough that reminds people when it’s time for their next shot.
According to Shumway, “Pfizer booster shots are still required every 180 days to ensure continued protection against COVID-X. Our breakthrough is that the side effects caused by the booster injection now last only 177 days.”
Shumway continued, “As long as you’re experiencing nausea, chills, cold sweats, blood clots, dizziness and memory loss, you can be 60% to 70% certain that the Pfizer vaccine is protecting you from COVID. When you start feeling well again, you know it’s time for your next injection.”
“An unexpected benefit”, Shumway claimed, “is that we’ve practically eliminated the spread of COVID by vaccinated, asymptomatic people. The continuous debilitating side effects remind people that they could be contagious and that they should continue to wear masks and practice social distancing.”
Consumers seem excited about the new technology. “It couldn’t be more convenient”, says Susan Gruber of Cincinnati. “Now I never have to worry about missing a shot. Whenever I notice the circulation has returned to my arms and legs, I know it’s time to get my booster.”
Pfizer has yet to name its new technology. For now, it’s being referred to by its internal project number: 4ID10TS.
This announcement comes just one day after Pfizer announced a consolidation and rebranding of their line of perpetual disease management products. All of their vaccines-that-aren’t-really-vaccines will now fall under the umbrella brand of “Infini-Jab”.
