Simone Biles is a female American gymnast. In a recent competition, she completed a Yurchenko double pike. She is the only woman to do so. You’re probably wondering what the hell a Yurchenko double pike is. It’s a vault so dangerous that no other woman has ever attempted it in competition. Few men have either.
Here’s what it looks like:
Simone Biles is an Olympic champion and is one of the greatest female gymnasts of all time. She also happens to be black. And, if you believe Critical Race Theory, she’s also a white supremacist.
Now, stay with me. I’ll show you what I mean.
Critical Race Theory says that white supremacy is a pattern of values and beliefs that are ingrained into the U.S. As the theory goes, it’s these actions and beliefs that define your whiteness. The whiter your actions, the higher your whiteness score and the higher your score, the more of a white supremacist you are.
I know what you’re thinking. The first thing you’re thinking is, “that’s ridiculous”. But, being the open-minded person I know you can be, you’re probably also thinking, “what the hell does ‘whiteness’ mean?”
Great question.
Luckily for us, the taxpayer-funded National Museum of African American History and Culture published a handy guide last year that helps us determine someone’s “whiteness”.
The guide was removed after a few days because of the tidal wave of complaints it received. But, you know what they say, once on the Internet, always on the Internet. If you want to see it, I’ve got a copy for you right here.
Using this handy-dandy guide, let’s see how white Simone is.
There isn’t enough space to cover everything (and if there were, you wouldn’t read it anyway), so I’ll hit some highlights:
Emphasis on Scientific Method: You don’t defy the laws of physics on a daily basis without a strong emphasis on science. Simone’s whiteness score (SWS): Extremely high.
Religion: Being a Christian raises your whiteness score. Simone was raised a Catholic. So, that gives us a twofer with the “Holidays” section. SWS: High.
Competition: According to the chart, the more competitive you are, the whiter you are. This section alone makes her pretty white. You don’t become an Olympic champion without a drive to be #1. That’s what a Gold Medal means. SWS: Ludicrous.
Plans for the future: I suspect that training her entire life for a chance to win Olympic gold pretty much indicates that she believes in planning for the future. SWS: Very high.
Work Ethic: Believes hard work is the key to success. I don’t know much about gymnastics, but I’d have to guess that someone would work pretty hard before attempting a death-defying move like the Yurchenko double pike. SWS: Ridiculous.
Follows rigid time schedules: Umm…she schedules when she eats her snacks. Nuff said. SWS: Crazy high.
Status, Power & Authority: Simone Biles’ net worth is $6M. SWS: High.
Unfortunately, there’s no scoring guide companion to go with the whiteness scorecard so I’m going to have to go with my gut on this one. I’m going to give Simone a score of 9.2 “whitey points” out of 10. That’s a pretty high score. I probably wouldn’t score higher than an 8.7 on a good day and I’m actually white.
So, where does that leave us? Oh yeah. Percentage wise, Simone Biles is 92% white supremacist.
According to Critical Race Theory, it’s Simone’s personal work ethic and her belief that what goes up must ultimately come down that defines her as a white supremacist. Because, apparently, working hard to achieve success and believing in gravity is something only white supremacists do.
Hard work, determination and personal accountability are the traits that produce world-class athletes and Olympic Gold medalists. It turns out that they’re also the traits that help the rest of us physics-bound people to become the best we can be at whatever we try to do.
I find it impossible to comprehend how anyone could believe that the very traits that bring out the absolute best in each of us are bad qualities to possess.
Yet here we are.
