I recently received an email from a woman I’ve known for nearly 25 years. I noticed that, following her name, she included “(she/her)”. I remember her as someone who definitely didn’t need to tell anyone she was female.
I haven’t seen this woman for probably 20 years, so I guess it’s possible her looks have changed. But I seriously doubt anyone could change that much. Plus, she has one of those pretty-sure-she’s-a-girl names like “Stephanie” or “Jennifer” so there’s really no need for her to ever tell anyone what her preferred pronouns are. I can only hope she did it as a joke.
When I was growing up, we were taught a nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.” Do kids still learn that? If they don’t, they really should. The rhyme contains a valuable lesson that helps kids grow into emotionally-stable adults. Probably someone somewhere complained that it contains too much violent imagery or too many “trigger words” for impressionable young minds. So they stopped teaching it to kids because, you know, kids are such delicate flowers.
And since I’m on the subject of “trigger words”, what a load of bullshit.
Back when people were rational, we didn’t have “trigger words”. We had “buttons”. I’m not talking about the “keep your shirt on” buttons. I’m talking about little places in your psyche that, when poked, really set you off. Everybody has them.
The thing about buttons is that you should keep them hidden. I grew up with three older sisters and two younger brothers and, the second they figured out what was going to make me cry, they poked the shit out of my buttons. I’m sure they thought it was hilarious. It probably was.
Over time, I learned that I had two choices. I could either get them to stop upsetting me, or I could figure out a way not to be upset by what they say. With the first option, I had to change everyone. With the second option, I only had to change myself.
It was difficult to do, but over time I learned to take control over my own emotions and to not let little things bother me. I learned not to sweat the small stuff, and that it was all small stuff.
At least that’s how I like to remember it. And someone better than me probably could have pulled it off. It’s closer to the truth to say that my parents kept telling me I should just ignore my brothers and sisters or find some way to poke back. OK, let’s say that’s exactly how it happened.
So, I did both. I learned to ignore the people pushing my buttons, and I figured out how to push their buttons.
I also learned that I like to push other people’s buttons. I really like pushing other people’s buttons. And, I’m very good at it. You might expect that I also learned to empathize with people who have thin skin because I was once one of them. Nope. If I can learn to control my emotions, then everyone else can too. All they need is a little push.
Having preferred pronouns is just another type of button. And what’s the first rule of buttons? That’s right, you don’t talk about buttons.
If you state your personal pronouns, you’ve just told me two things. You’ve told me that you have a huge button, and you’ve told me exactly where that button is. Of course I’m going to push it. You can’t double-dog dare me to get under your skin and then expect me not to. That’s not how I’m wired. I’m going to completely ignore your request just to see how far I can piss you off.
If you’re so emotionally fragile that something someone says will ruin your day, it’s your problem to fix. Not mine. If I can’t tell if you’re a man or a woman by simply looking at you, that’s on you. Not me. And, if you’re past the age of 12 and haven’t yet learned to control your emotions, then you’ve got bigger issues to worry about.
The way I see it, I’m doing both you and everyone else in the world a favor by annoying you. Hopefully it will force you to start taking responsibility for your own feelings, so you’ll stop expecting the rest of us to share in your delusion.
It’s not going to be easy but it is possible for you to change. You just need a little push.
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