Tired of paying retail prices? What if I told you there was a better way? We know that it’s tough to find time in your busy schedule of bitching about injustices that don’t really exist and being offended by things any normal person would ignore. So, we created a solution to help you get what you need at a huge discount, while also giving you the tools you need to successfully protest whatever it is you’ve been told to be for or against.
Introducing “BLeM”, the newest innovation in Social Justice Shopping. The BLeM app tracks, in real time, where social justice riots…I mean…mostly-peaceful protests are happening. Then, BLeM will let you know when a riot…err…protest is in your area so you can go get what you need for free.
The best part is that, apparently, it’s perfectly legal. Or, at the very least, there are some imbeciles that think it’s socially acceptable.
But that’s not all.
We realize that protesting is a very personal thing. One person’s protest might take the form of a flat-screen TV while someone else’s protest may look like a new smart phone. We have a solution for that too.
BLeM allows users to create their own Protester Identity Profile. Let’s say you identify as someone who needs a new flat-screen TV to successfully protest something. Just put it on your Profile. BLeM can notify you when a protest is occurring near a store that carries the exact flat-screen TV you need to be the best protester you can be. Then, armed with that information, you’ll be able to help advance whatever cause you’ve been told to be for/against by breaking into that store and grabbing yourself a free TV. It couldn’t be easier.
But wait…there’s more.
Using the very latest in Artificial Ignorance technology, BLeM aggregates everyone’s Protester Identity Profile to determine the best place for a protest to occur. For example, if enough people identify as someone needing smart phones to protest…say…social injustice, the proprietary BLeM algorithm will suggest to “unorganized” protest organizers that the best place to pretend to be outraged about something would be right outside a Verizon store.
A few Tweets of incorrect and misleading statistics later and, voila! Free cell phones!
It really is that simple.
Another key feature of BLeM is our ground-breaking “white racist pig” technology. BLeM can tell you exactly which communities have defunded their police department making your Social Justice Shopping experience as productive and as risk-free as possible.
BLeM doesn’t just limit you to big brand stores. We here at BLeM believe discrimination against anything is bad, so we’ve optimized our technology to help you pillage and loot small businesses as well. With BLeM, you can go to bed at night knowing that you’ve gotten as much free stuff as possible. Oh, yeah, and that you’ve done some of that protesting stuff too.
So, what are you waiting for? Download and install the BLeM app now and start saving…I mean…protesting today!
