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The other day I had to take a workplace harassment seminar as part of my new hire orientation for my new job. The “training” touched on gender confused people and cautioned me how to interact with them. I’m supposed to use preferred pronouns if I’m aware of someone’s preference.
According to HR, if a mentally ill he or she wants to be referred to as they/them, I have to reinforce their delusion. I got to thinking about this and realized that personal pronouns are a hassle to everyone other than the person wanting to be referred to by them.
Let’s say that my pronoun preferences are “flerp/flop/floop”. Those of you who have been following me for a while will already be familiar with this. But allow me to give a quick refresher for any newbies out there.
It’s really pretty simple. Here’s how it works:
- Instead of using “he/she”, use “flerp”.
- Instead of “him/her”, use “flop”.
- Instead of “his/her”, use “floop”.
- Instead of “his/hers”, use “floops”.
- Instead of “himself/herself, use “floopself”.
And here are some examples of this put in action:
- Instead of: “I saw Mike yesterday. He was at the store.”, use: “I saw Mike yesterday. Flerp was at the store.”
- Instead of “Yeah, I saw him at the store yesterday.”, use: “Yeah, I saw flop at the store yesterday.”
- Instead of: “That’s his car.”, use: “That’s floop car.”
- Instead of: “That car is his.”, use: “That car is floops.”
- Instead of: “Mike can do it himself.”, use: “Mike can do it floopself.”
Easy, right? Of course not. It’s ridiculous. And so is the whole concept of personal pronouns. But this is a real thing. And what’s worse, once you’re aware of my preference, you need to refer to me by my preferred pronouns whether I’m in the room or not.
But here’s the thing. You have to use those pronouns whenever you refer to me, but I don’t have to use them at all. I’m still going to refer to myself as “me”, “myself”, or “I”. But everyone else is expected to go through the mental gymnastics of remembering whether to use he, she, they or flerp. In fact, the only responsibility I have is to whine and bitch whenever someone addresses me incorrectly.
Pretty neat, huh?
I’m really good with faces but terrible with names. I know what someone looks like, but I don’t necessarily know what they’re called. In fact, I forget the names of most people I meet within a few seconds.
If I meet someone, and can’t recall their name before they’re even out of earshot, how am I supposed to remember that the hell their personal pronouns are?
I guess I could make some general assumptions about people based on what they look like. But that could get me in trouble too.
I’m going to pause for a second and talk about the best way to describe a “gravity efficient” woman. Is the correct term fat? How about plump? And don’t you think it’s interesting that the word “chubby” can refer to entirely different things for men and women?
But I digress. Let’s get back to my point.
Making assumptions about people based on what they look like can get you in trouble. How many of you have asked a “chubby” woman when her baby is due, only to find that the woman isn’t pregnant?
I have. Once. Trust me, you do not make that mistake a second time.
Let’s say I come across a person with boobs and a light mustache. Is that person trans, non-binary or just a really ugly woman? On the other hand, maybe they’re not boobs. Maybe they’re man-boobs and he’s just a fat dude who can’t grow a decent stash.
So, I see this person with a barely a moustache and who has either boobs or moobs, and I can’t tell which. What am I supposed to do? Or what if I run into a normal-looking person who should be called “she” but prefers to be called “they”? There is no way I’m going to remember that.
This is important because if I don’t use someone’s preferred pronouns, I can be reprimanded by my employer up to and including being fired. To put it another way, I can be fired for NOT saying something.
And furthermore, using they/them is stupid because those words already have a conventional meaning. Rewriting the rules of grammar just so we don’t hurt someone’s precious feelings is insane.
This whole thing would be easier if there were only one, gender neutral singular pronoun that we use for everybody. We should get rid of he and she and have a single set of pronouns that represent any of the infinite genders there apparently are. That way everyone is inconvenienced the exact same amount.
I propose that everyone, everywhere should use the pronouns flerp/flop/floop.
Even if it doesn’t become universally accepted, I recommend that you start claiming flerp/flop/floop as your own personal pronouns. And then you can whine and bitch when someone doesn’t get it right.
And if you come across someone that can’t or won’t accept your identity, well then flerp can go fuck floopself.
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