I can solve the whole problem of preferred pronouns. But I’m going to need your help. If we all work together, preferred pronouns will be a thing of the past in about three weeks.
Remember a few episodes ago when I said it was impossible to be more crazy than the Radical Left and their glibtaq agenda? Well, it turns out I was wrong. It is possible to act even more insane than they do. And that’s the solution. We need to crank the craziness factor all the way past eleven until there’s no other option than to put an end to the ridiculous notion that people can choose their own pronouns.
And I’m going to tell you how you can do your part.
There are two layers to my plan.
Layer One
First of all, it’s true that laws are being passed, and employers are mandating, that you use someone’s preferred pronouns. But they can’t force you to use pronouns in the first place. So, all you have to do is to substitute the use of pronouns with the name of the person in question.
Here’s what you do. Let’s say that a dude actually named “Bob Smith” wants to be called “Suzy Smith” and his pronouns are she/her. I’m not a big fan of using pretend names, but it’ll work to our advantage in this instance. So I’m going to give it a pass.
Now, let’s say you’re talking about Bob/Suzy and someone asks you what Suzy is working on. Instead of saying ,“She’s working on the Jones account”, say “Suzy Smith is working on the Jones account.” “I’m working with her on the project” becomes, “I’m working with Suzy Smith on the project.” Putting that together, you come up with, “Suzy Smith is working on the Jones account. I’m working with Suzy Smith on the project. Suzy Smith told me we’d be done in about three weeks.”
See? Not one pronoun. Now just wash, rinse, repeat.
Unless they’re willing to actually try to force you to use any pronouns at all when referring to someone, there’s not a thing anyone can do. After all, it was Bob who said he wanted to be called “Suzy”. Let him try to complain when someone actually does it.
Sure, it’s going to make Bob stick out like a sore thumb. But that’s his problem, not yours. If Bob didn’t want the attention, then he could have not made such a big fuss when someone continued to call him he/him and nobody would have noticed. Except Bob. So, while it’s not likely to change any policies, it will make people think twice about forcing their delusions on everybody else.
Like I said, there are a couple layers to this plan. The one I just outlined is sort of the entry-level layer. It’s going to take a little practice and commitment to pull it off, but not all that much. And it’s something impactful that everyone can do.
This second layer is what woke me up from a dead sleep at 4:30 this morning.
Layer Two
The Radical Left has a tendency to take words that everyone knows and twist their meaning. You know, just like they did with the words “gay”, “black lives matter”, “woman”, and they/them.
So, that’s what we’re going to do.
They’re the ones who set the rules. And the rules are that there are no rules. I know they said there are no rules but there actually are. I mean, if “you must use someone’s preferred pronouns” isn’t a rule, then I don’t know what is. But there isn’t an actual rule about what you can choose for your pronouns. As long as you say you identify as something, and that thing isn’t a straight white guy, you get to select whatever you want to use as your preferred pronouns. But here’s the clever part, there’s no rule saying that a pronoun has to be an actual pronoun.
The precedence has already been set. “zie/zir” have already been determined to be acceptable. And zie and zir aren’t pronouns. They’re not even words. Neither are ey/em and xe/xem and those have also been deemed acceptable.
I’m sure by now you’ve heard about “non-binary” people. These are people afflicted with the mental illness where they believe they’re neither a man nor a woman. Actually, that’s not technically true. They believe they’re a man AND a woman. But, not at the same time. At any instant, they’re either one or the other, depending, I guess, on the time of day, phase of the moon, alignment of planets or the color of the crap they took in the morning.
They can tell you they’re a woman one day, with the pronouns of she/her and a man the next day, with the pronouns of he/him. And it’s up to you to keep track of, and inline with, his/her insanity.
The point is, the glibtaq folks have already laid down some rules-that-aren’t-rules. So we’re just going to use them.
First, we need something to identify as.
About 25 years ago, our son brought home a paper from school just before Easter. It was a handout from his teacher with the lyrics to “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”. We were supposed to help him learn the song for an upcoming event.
When they got to the refrain, I noticed it didn’t say “thumpity-thump-thump”. It said “thumpity-thump-thunp”. And “thunp” is nearly impossible to pronounce. I guess it was just too much to ask that a teacher understand what a red squiggly line under a word means. But this was Massachusetts, so I really shouldn’t have expected more.
Anyway, I immediately liked the word “thunp” and saved it for a rainy day. Today is that rainy day.
So, we’re all going to identify as a “thunp”. It doesn’t matter what a “thunp” is, but if someone needs a definition, let me know and I’ll come up with something. Identifying as a “thunp” is just a way for us to work within their rules that don’t exist.
Choosing Your Pronouns
Now, we’re at the fun part. Choosing your pronouns. Don’t worry, there are no wrong choices. And you’re going to be changing them all the time anyway. And, also don’t worry about changing your name, you’re going to keep that. Because that’s what thunps do.
Like I said, the precedent has been set stating that pronouns can be whatever you want them to be. So, if zie and zir are perfectly acceptable, then so are proper nouns.
I’ll explain by way of an example.
Let’s say that I select as my pronouns the words Joe/Sally. They’re just words. Words that happen to already have a specific meaning. Sort of like “they” and “them”. Though, in this case, Joe and Sally actually refer to someone named Joe, and someone named Sally.
Now, let’s say I went to the store with my buddy Clifton. If someone asks, “I can’t find Mike, and where the heck is Clifton?”, an acceptable answer using my preferred pronouns would be, “Joes at the store. Clifton went with Sally.”
I think you get the picture. Using a proper noun as a pronoun makes as much sense as misusing they/them. And there’s no rule against it.
But it gets even better if you carefully select the names you use.
At my company, the CEO’s name is “David”. The head of HR is called “Debbie”. So, my pronouns will become David/Debbie. And remember, everyone has to use my preferred pronouns. Even when I’m not in the room. So the question, “What does Mike think about Ralph? Does Debbie agree?” must be answered with, “David said that we should fire Ralph.” Debbie agrees with Debbie.”
And, according to the rules-that-aren’t-rules, you can change your pronouns anytime and however often you wish. So, people would have to check with Debbie from HR to find out what your pronouns are before each and every meeting. Or face the consequences.
Let’s do a couple more examples.
Let’s say that my pronouns are nobody/everybody. The response to “I can’t find Mike, and where is the heck is Clifton?” becomes, “Nobody went to the store. Clifton went with everybody.
And, in a nod to Abbott and Costello, your preferred pronouns could even be who/what. I can hear it now:
“Where’s Fred?”
“Who went to the store.”
“Who did?”
“Yes. I told you, who went to the store.”
“Why are you asking me?
“I’m not asking you anything. You wanted to know where Fred is.”
“That’s right.”
“Who went to the store!”
“What?”
“Exactly.”
Working Together
I think there’s still room to crank this up a notch. According to the rules that don’t exist, you can use anything as a preferred pronoun. Your pronouns could be Coke/Pepsi, first/last, flerp/flop or even purple/green. And, as a thunp, you can change them at will. In fact, you’re encouraged to do so. The point is to just use whatever is going to cause the most confusion in any given instance.
It seems counterintuitive, but the way we’re going to get rid of preferred pronouns is by insisting they be used all the time. Even for us. And here’s the important part, you need to pitch a hissy-fit each and every time someone misuses the pronouns you just made up.
If we all started demanding that people use the carefully-selected pronouns we choose for ourselves, communication would break down entirely in just a few short days. And not long after that, preferred pronouns would be in the rearview mirror. I give it three weeks. Tops.
So, there you have it. A foolproof plan for stopping this idiocy once and for all. I know this sounds like a joke, but if you think about it, you’ll see that it could actually work.
But like I said right up front, it’s going to take your help. This won’t work unless EVERYONE does it.
We can make this happen, but only if us thunps stick together.
Not familiar with the term “glibtaq”? Check out “Fixing the Brand“. Want to hear more about “thunps” and pronouns? Check out “My Pronouns“.
