I friend of mine once told me he believes that out of everyone he knows, I’m the person most likely to get away with murder.

Hmm.  You should know by now that I like to think about things like that.  So, I did. 

Before I get started, I want to mention that you should also know by now that this isn’t a confession.  Nor is it a foreshadowing of something yet to come.  It’s merely a thought exercise.  So don’t get your panties in a bunch.

It turns out that getting away with murder isn’t that big of a deal.  Roughly half of all murders committed in the United States go unsolved.  So, you see, the bar isn’t set that high in the first place.  On average, the chance of someone getting away with murder is just about the same as a coin toss coming up heads.

But he said, “most likely”.  Which means that I’d have to come up with a way to raise the odds in my favor. 

Challenge accepted.

Killing someone and getting away with it is ridiculously easy.  I’m not going to tell you how.  I will say that if you’re a reasonably clever person and spend some time pondering this, you’ll come up with at least one answer. 

But it becomes much more difficult if you want to kill a specific person.

So today, I’m going to pretend that I actually do want to kill a specific person.  How would I go about it?  And, to make the challenge more interesting, let’s say I have to kill them with a gun.  After all, I live in California, the state with some of the most extreme gun laws there are.  Maybe even the most extreme.  So, killing someone with a gun and getting away with it should be extremely difficult.

We’ll see.

I’m a Good Guy With a Gun

The first thing we’ll have to do is ignore the fact that I have a carry permit.  And, that people with a license to carry a gun commit less than 0.000% of the gun violence in this country.  So, pretend that you’re the State of California and ignore that fact.  Just like they do.

Side note:  I’m looking at a study that came from an obviously pro-gun-control web site.  They say that we shouldn’t compare carry permit holders or law enforcement to the general public when looking at gun violence statistics.  Their reasoning is that permit holders and law enforcement have to pass an extensive background check.  Which means that people who are licensed to carry aren’t likely to be criminals and it’s not fair to compare them to people who are.

Yup.  You heard that right.  They’re trying to make their argument by using the very logic they’re arguing against.

OK.  Let’s get back to our thought exercise.

I haven’t done a lot of research into this, but I’m pretty sure that murder is already illegal.  I could be wrong about that.  But I don’t think I am.  If I’m somebody who is willing to murder someone, then how likely is it that some silly gun laws are going to make me think twice about doing so?  I’d say not very damn likely.

In fact, they might even help.

I have a pretty short shopping list.  I’m going to need a gun and some bullets.  Let’s start with the bullets.  And let’s ignore the several thousand rounds of 9mm I have tucked away.  Because using those would be cheating.  I’ll have to get some new ones.  That may prove to be difficult because California requires a background check for every ammo purchase.

Earlier this year, I renewed my carry permit.  After I left the Sheriff’s office, I stopped by the local gun store because they had a sale on ammo.  When I got to the counter with the ammo I intended to purchase, the lamination was still warm on the new permit a Sheriff’s deputy had handed me a scant few minutes before.  And I still had to go through a background check before I could buy my ammo.

To add one more obstacle, it’s illegal here in California to sell or give ammo to someone unless you’re an authorized dealer.  So, you’d think it must be impossible for me to get my hands on ammo without leaving some sort of paper trail.

You could think that, but you’d be wrong.

A Huge Loophole

Because, if I go to a gun range, I can purchase ammunition for cash with no background check.  I just have to promise not to carry any of that ammo out of the building.  Hmm.  I don’t know about you, but if I was intent on killing someone, the honor system probably wouldn’t stop me from taking home a pocket full of ammo that the State of California doesn’t know I bought.

So, ammo acquired.  Now all I need is a gun.

In the United States, there’s a mandatory 3-day waiting period between the time you pay for a gun, and when you can take it home.  It’s called a “cool down” period.  The theory is that if you’re buying a gun to kill someone, your emotions may calm down if you’re forced to wait before you can get your hands on the weapon. 

In California, that period is 10 days.  Every time my wife and I buy a firearm, we joke that every day of the waiting period that passes decreases our rage by 10%.

I can sort of see this for first-time gun buyers.  But, between the two of us, we’ve purchased six guns in California.  Guns that are legally registered by the state.  Why would they make us wait at all when they know I have immediate access to a small arsenal?  Besides, as far as they know, I don’t have any bullets.

So, other than perhaps for someone buying their first gun, the “cool down” period makes no sense.

I still need a gun though.  So, I’ll just use one of the semi-automatic handguns I already have.  But what about my serial number?  Well, on a polymer gun, the serial number is a small metal tag attached to the frame.  I could easily take a screwdriver and pry it off.

And even if it was an iron or stainless gun with the serial number stamped in, I’d just drill it out.  I don’t care what you saw on CSI, there would be no possible way they could recover the serial number if it’s a bunch of metal shavings on the floor of my garage.

But I wouldn’t do that.  I want to be able to present my gun.  And I want them to know that it’s my gun.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that’s a crazy thing to do because ballistics will prove my gun was the murder weapon.

Nope. 

First of all, if they even consider me to be a suspect, using the lame excuse that I lost my gun, or that it was stolen, just points the finger in my direction.  I’d need to present my gun to law enforcement so it could be tested to see if it’s the murder weapon.

The thing is, the frame of a semi-automatic handgun doesn’t have much to do with the actual firing of the gun.  But that’s where the serial number is.  The frame is what’s licensed.  But it isn’t what’s important.  A ballistic test will look at the barrel, the firing pin, and if they’re doing their job right, the extractor.

All three of those pieces can be purchased for cash at just about any gun show.  Replacing them takes about 15 minutes.  Once those parts are replaced, a ballistic examination will show it’s an entirely different weapon from the one used in the crime.

So, they’ll test my gun and draw the conclusion that it wasn’t the murder weapon.  Because, for all intents and purposes, it wasn’t.  A ballistic tech could be holding the actual murder weapon in their hands and have no way of knowing it.  And besides, I don’t have any bullets.  Remember?

Too easy?  OK.  Let’s make it even harder.

Let’s Add Another Hurdle

For nearly 20 years, California has had a law that requires any new model of gun to have microstamping capability before it will be approved for sale.  Microstamping is where a tiny number is pressed into the outside of the cartridge each time a gun is fired. 

The theory is that law enforcement could use that number to identify and prosecute evildoers.  Police will collect the casings from the murder scene, look at the micro-stamped number, and know exactly who the perpetrator is.

One of the problems with that is that microstamping technology doesn’t exist.  So, it’s impossible for gun manufacturers to get new weapons added to the approved list for sale in California.  As you’d expect, this is being challenged in court. 

But let’s assume for a bit that microstamping is a thing, and I have a gun so equipped.

That’s not going to stop me. 

For less than 5 bucks and a trip to the Dollar Store, I can make a workable “brass catcher” that will collect the casings after they’ve ejected from my weapon. 

That’s Step 1.  Step 2 is even easier.

If I have a gun equipped with microstamping, then lots of other people do too.  If you’ve ever been to a gun range, you know that there’s brass flying everywhere.  I’d just pick up a whole bunch of spent cartridges off the floor and put them in a Zip-Lock bag.  No one would consider it odd because people who reload their own ammo do it all the time.

A Bunch of Reasonable Doubt

Now, for Step 3.  At the murder scene, my casings would be in my “brass catcher”.  But remember, I’ve got a baggie of casings I picked up off the floor of the gun range.  And each of those casings is stamped with a number that will point to whoever was also shooting at the range that day. 

So, before I leave, I open up my baggie and spread a shitload of reasonable doubt all over the crime scene.

Remember, my casings aren’t there.  But a bunch of other people’s casings are.  And, after I swap out a few parts, ballistics tests would determine that my gun couldn’t possibly be the murder weapon.  So, even if they do test it, it’s going to come back clean.

I’d hate to be the prosecutor trying to make the first case that involves microstamping.  The defense will be able to drive a truck through it.

Like I said, almost half of all murders in the U.S. go unsolved.  And if I want to be the friend “most likely” to get away with murder, I just need to move the needle a few percentage points in my favor.

I think I’ve proven I can do that.

I know, I’ve left some holes in my abbreviated version of this.  You’re probably thinking about things like fingerprints and DNA evidence.  I think it’s safe for you to assume that I’ve already thought of anything you’re going to come up with, and I have a plan for handling it.

But I’ve clearly shown that I can make the odds better than a coin toss that I can get away with murder.  And I’d do it by exploiting some of the very laws that were put in place to supposedly make it more difficult for me to do so.